Tin-Foil Twaunts By Dom Joly

“History is much more the product of chaos than of conspiracy.” So wrote the Spell-Check nightmare that was Zbigniew Brzezinski, Jimmy Carter’s National Security Advisor. Now, unkind people might point out that Jimmy Carter might have had more experience with  chaos than most, but I think Brzezinski’s point is totally valid. 

A quick scroll through my social media reveals a world gone mad.

So-called “Karens” appear to be striding down every supermarket aisle accusing black people of being actors working for George Soros. When these innocents defend themselves by trying to point out that they are just doing their shopping, the “Karen” raises the ante by calling the police and telling them that they are being sexually assaulted by a black family near the fruit and veg. I’m slightly exaggerating for comic effect, but not by much.

The Karen phenomena is real, and in a supermarket or car park near you right now.   

It’s the anti-Covid maskers, however, that are really blowing up. Every wingnut in the world appears to have briefly stopped campaigning for the Flat Earth Society (which has “members all around the globe” according to one of their recent tweets) or harassing the parents of Maddie McCann to focus their attention on not wearing a mask in public places. 

I have lost count of the number of clips that I have seen of these literal mouth-breathers approaching some commercial establishment with their phone recording both their approach and breathless commentary…

“Sooo I’m in Buttfuck, South Carolina and I’m about to go do my two-ton daily grocery shop as is my God-given constitutional right as a proud American.”

What follows is always depressingly similar, almost as though they are the paid actors that they always go on about since hearing about it on Info Wars. They attempt to enter without a mask, all the while drawing attention to this fact by their inane commentary.

“I’m now on the premises and heading towards the bulk food department. Look at all these agents of Satan wearing their Obama masks…” 

At this stage, a world-weary employee, wearing a mask and doubtless dealing with their umpteenth fuck-muppet of the day approaches the brave Pandemic denier and asks them to either wear a mask or to please leave the store? This is the cue that our online, attention-seeking mugwump is waiting for. They start screaming.

“CAN YOU SEE THIS, AMERICA? I’m being prevented from going about my legal business by these Communist agents. Kung-flu is a hoax…and also a biological weapon designed by the Chinese to allow Bill Gates to take over our minds by injecting a control chip into my body…” 

This is the bit I never understand. It’s like alien abductions, they never seem to be interested in the minds of anybody with an IQ over 25. It’s always some single-toothed, twenty-stone redneck who is sucked up into the spaceship for an anal probe…

The clip almost invariably ends with the MAGA twunt standing back outside the establishment, coughing in the hapless employees’ faces while telling them that they are going to be sued for denying them their constitutional rights. If only the writers of that extraordinary document had known for what infantile causes it would be used to support, there might have been an amended First Amendment-

“Congress shall make no law… prohibiting the free exercise thereof…the right of the people peaceably to assemble and to petition the government for a redress of grievances…unless said people are MAGA-hat-wearing single cell organisms who get their world-view from the headlines of magazines at the supermarket check-out counter and Kanye West’s Twitter feed.”   

The anti-maskers, who are almost indistinguishable from the anti-vaxxers are angry. What they are actually angry about however, is a situation which has rendered them feeling lost, powerless and unimportant in an ever-changing world. Their solution? It’s very similar to the concept that drives religion. There are many things going on that are beyond our understanding. Rather that put these down to Brzezinski’s chaos theory, they find it comforting to blame some massive global conspiracy that appears to be tailored almost entirely to making their lives more difficult.

Worryingly, via the medium of social media, the village idiot can now liaise and communicate with every other village’s idiot. Now, that’s a lot of idiots. So many idiots in fact that people have realised that these idiots can be monetized and have set up news organisations catering exclusively to the idiots. This, in short, is how we have come to the situation where up to thirty percent of the UK population have decided that they would not take a Covid-19 vaccine, when one is eventually produced.  

Conspiracy theories are the way that stupid people make sense of a complex world.

Unfortunately, the rest of us are having to deal with the fall-out.