You might not look at the endless stream of Star Wars merch that has been churned out for the last 43 years and think “there is a franchise that has singularly failed to make the most of its business opportunities.” As you pack your kids off to school in their Rebel Alliance hoodies, with their Yoda backpacks and their R2D2 lunchboxes, the first thought in your head might not be “Hmm, George Lucas really failed to maximise the revenue potential.”
But after a hiatus that saw three execrable prequels, Star Wars is cool again, and it’s high time we got some new stuff out there on the shelves. Here are The Antidote’s suggestions for the best Star Wars-themed merchandise and commercial tie-ins, coming soon to a store near you (subject to Lucasfilm paying a substantial fee to the author).
The Darth Vader Ginsberg Doll dispenses justice in a tolerant and liberal manner throughout the Universe, and only resorting to the infamous “Force choke” when confronted with particularly intractable Republicans.
In the tobacconist section, we have Chewbaccy, the Star Wars branded chewing tobacco. Alternatively, smokers could enjoy the rich taste of Death’s Tar – Star Wars branded cigarettes (we may need to work on the slightly negative connotations). Looking for a light for your ciggie? Try the Obi Wan matches for a seriously strong flame. “If you strike them, they will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.” And for anyone planning on trying to kick the habit, don’t even think about doing so without your Darth Vaper.
Food tie-ins are always big business, particularly if you can align yourself to a popular fast food chain. So how about this one: You buy a ready-to-heat spicy chicken meal, but you can’t initially tell if it’s good or bad. It’s known as the Nando Calrissian. It should always be cooked in our teddy-bear-shaped frying pan – The E-Wok. To be eaten with our special Star Wars cutlery set, including forks emblazoned with the phrase “May the fork be with you.” And knives and spoons emblazoned with… um… nothing. And you’ll want something fizzy to wash down your meal, right? Well, look no further than your own domestic fizzy drinks kit, the Yoda Stream, that dispenses both sparkling pop and ungrammatical, badly ordered words of wisdom. “Mmm, in this one the fizz is strong.”
After that sugary drink, you might have put on a couple of pounds. Don’t worry, Jabba’s Diet Pills will help, and in the meantime, squash those curvy thighs into a pair of spandex Hutt-Butts, girdle pants that will hide a multitude of sins. The sugar might also take a toll on the teeth – but thanks to our patented Emperor Palpatine Toothcare kit, you, too, can have the yellow gnashers of a 500-year-old Sith master with a Mars Bar and B&H habit. And while you’re looking after your appearance, why not slap on a bit of The Dark Side fake tanning cream. (Warning: As well as turning you orange, it may cause you to develop evil megalomaniacal schemes. Wait… orange… megalomaniacal… evil… I think this one may have been invented already).
Finally, if you find the tanning cream isn’t quite what you were after, don’t worry – just grab your Obi Wan bathroom twin set, hop into the shower and give yourself a delightful sudsy rubdown with your Obi Wan Shower Gel. Every time you squeeze it, a voice says “Help me Obi Wan Kenobi – you’re my only soap.” And the other part of the bathroom twin set? Obi Wan Piles Cream. Motto: These aren’t the ‘roids you’re looking for.